To My Darling,

I am so sick of these insipid drugs. Or rather, I’m sick of the multiple and endless stream of people around me indulging in them. It seems to me as though sometimes everyone is functioning on some illegal and rotten drugs.

I know that it may come across as hypocritical for me to talk about, seeing that my medication is one of the many things that keeps my mood in order and sleep available.

However, darling, there is nothing illegal or degenerative or hallucinogenic about my medication. It does not provide me with escapism or the ability to act like a fool without consequence. It does not instill laziness or vagueness.

I suppose that it is part of the times that people sought out ways to find enjoyment, but I find it hard to respect anyone who needs drugs of any kind to get through the length of there life.

I think of you, I think of how far away you are and how hard you must be working and then I think of these daft people around me smoking marijuana to pass their time and it instills so much anger in me that I want to explode. 

Oh how I’m glad I have someone responsible to relay my feelings to.

With great affection…

To My Darling,

Stupid me. I sent you off a letter yesterday and neglected to inform you of two of the main things you queried about.

Firstly, my education is sterling. I am enjoying the life of a university student more than I enjoy playing chess with peoples emotions. I’m ghastly I know. I love the smell of my books like the smell of the ocean. I’m always prompt and outstanding in class. As you can imagine, I’ve made it another of my priorities to become head of the class and school. Just give me a few more weeks, people have already started to request my company out of school time. To which I always refuse.

I have too many other things to fill my time with right now, then pampering to those people as well as the select few I keep around me.

The other thing you asked me intently (I expect) was about my health. Of course, I instantly knew you were referring to my mental health. I have been quite stable of late. My medication might be working but who knows. There is rarely answers to my moods progression.

I do worry that I might be heading toward another crash. I have been totally consumed by all the changes I am taking on at the moment.

I find myself crying still, in private. Painfully and hysterically actually. But it stops and I feel fine again. The bad feelings used to last, they used to weigh me down and drown me until I couldn’t move or function. But now I cry and then I feel fine.

I’ve conserved my state well. Very few people in general and no one at University knows of my history, can you imagine the gossip. I shuddered in class slightly recently when someone carelessly said “He was acting ‘crazy’”. I thought to myself how little most people know what it is like actually being crazy… or Manic Depressive as the psychiatrist would say.

I’m littered with mental problems aren’t I, but aren’t all the best people? I know you yourself had a period of depression so I both value your empathy and turn my nose up at your implication that I am anything but stable and lovely all the time. I joke because I can.

Hilariously yours…. 

To My Darling,

You’re right, I am far too dramatic in my approach to everything. You’ve left me feeling quite frazzled by my own nature, yet again.

Do you know that I was even thinking I was being quite tame about telling you that I’m the strange girl who pulls her hair from her head. I didn’t even go on to tell you why I do it or how it feels. I didn’t really even offer you any kind of explanation. I would like to think that maybe you did some research in order to understand me better. God knows that when you told me about your mothers ‘Fibromyalgia’ I went straight to the books to find out all I could.

I have a couple more things to say and very little time so I’m going to move quickly along.

Let me take the chance to say (without sounding too desperate) that I’m glad you have finally found the means to reply, sending letters out with no reply was becoming ever so dull.

Now that is all the flattery I will offer you for now. I know how you get.

While you are filling your time with more worthy things, I have been spending time with my young man. I’m really becoming accustomed to his childish company. I see that he has warmed to me completely, declaring his love to me daily. So naive.

I always indulge him when I can. It makes me fell good, like I’m being charitable. He is so blindly innocent that I am forever entertained by the conversation he makes and the way that he thinks.

Most people would see this as cruel and deceitful to use someone for entertainment the way I am, but as you know my darling, every body does it. At least I’m being honest to myself about it. I don’t believe for a second that a single couple or friendship is anything but selfish. Each individual getting what they want and need.

We are a foolish and contemptible breed and I will not deny it or ignore it. I will work with it. I’m doing no harm. You, my darling, have been my comrade in observing the human behaviour around us. I defy you to feel anything but understanding about my behaviour in response to my circumstance.

You must be getting desperately bored over there. I imagine my letters come to you with great joy. That is certainly how I send them. Now give me a definitive answer when I ask you how long it will be until you return. 

I await your answer patiently… as always.

To My Darling,

I received your last letter more promptly than I expected. I think that I have become used to going months without a reply from you that it is just what I have begun to expect. This regular writing though, it suits me well. You are always a solid voice of reason in my endeavours.

You, maybe more than anyone, know how I have been in my fair share of institutions. What started as a whole lot of laying down and feeling blue, ended in a massive journey into mental health. You know how people always remark that cliché “You never think it’ll happen to you”. It was a lot like that in retrospect. I never thought I’d be one of those people who needs medication to sleep or live, but I’ve excepted now that it’s really just status quo.

One thing that I will not become accustomed to is this horrible tendency to literally pull my hair out when I am stressed. I’ve done it since I was a child, causing obvious complications to my self esteem. The doctors would eventually call is Trichotillomania.

Considering how stressed I’ve been in the last few weeks, I have lost a considerable amount of hair through no fault of my own. It’s a compulsion and I would take responsibility for it but believe me no one in their early twenties wants to have bald patches on their scalp every time they are anxious. I think that I’m writing to you about this now because it’s particularly bad at the moment. I’m on medication and I am still losing sleep over it.

Luckily I’m vein enough to only pull hair from the places that I can cover or perhaps you and others would have noticed by now.

So now you know some more about your eternal confidant.

Yours in disgrace and honesty.

To My Darling,

I needn’t go too deeply into the events over the last fortnight and you ought not worry that you are missing out on too much. Although, I’m fairly certain that this has been another of my most dramatic and busy times since returning to town.

I did, as I said I would and abandoned all traces of my old life. I have whittled the contact with any one involved down to a simple and rare letter just to inform them of my well health.

I also did as I said I would and have changed things substantially. As you can imagine this has filled my schedule with some severely pertinent events. Oh I sound terribly important don’t I?

I listen to what I am saying and I want to push my own face into a trough full of mud.

But honestly, from my deepest heart to yours, it has been a punishing time. I have indeed spent a lot of hours reflecting upon my choice to leave my old self behind in order to find my new self. There’s no going back because of certain events and I’m not sure I want to go back. But it has been difficult to say the least.

I have however still been seeing my young man. Oh I hope as I tell you this you well up with rage and jealousy. But you know better. My heart is with you. My young man has just been providing a bridge between this season and the next. I fear his heart may be torn in the next few months. I shall do some crisis control and report back to you.

Oh and please, next time you send a letter, ask less smothering questions. We are beyond that aren’t we.

Yours faithfully and lovingly.

To My Darling,

On my daily (unsuccessful) trip to the letter box to check with false hope that there will be a reply from you I got to thinking. I have told you about my recent endeavor to come up with a way to reenter my social sphere with my dignity intact and then continue about my routine with the longevity everyone expects from me.

Well today came the epiphany that I am focusing my attention on the wrong thing entirely. Of course I can not undo what has been done and somehow pretend that things will continue as such. I slept with my best friend, I lied to my other friends and I have engaged in terrible behavior leaving me bashful, sheepish and (more damagingly) guilty beyond repair. I hate myself with disgust.

I don’t know why I thought that ‘business as usual’ was the thing I should be focusing on, how daft of me. Instead, I will do exactly what my humanly instincts tell me to do and continue to hide away.

Except you know its not like me dear, to hide away quietly. I will do it with equal zest that I would have done anything else. I will make sure my ties have been severed from my old life and I will create a new one.

I can’t undo an identity failure, but I can certainly build up a new and better identity. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I shall take some time to mourn my recent lifestyle, routine, friendships and expectations and then in a day or two, I shall branch out on to something new leaving my old mistakes and self behind.

You’ve discouraged this in the past, I know you’ve been there when I have moved on from other jobs, friendship circles and even locations after a tiny hiccup in character however you are not here to discourage and I will take your silence as encouragement…

…Which is also satisfying because I know that would displease you so, and you know how I like to displease you. I hope you are enraged at the thought that I might believe you stand behind me in deciding to, once again, start anew.

Thank you for your tacit compliance to my plan. It has already begun by my simple lack of presence today at the group outing. I will continue my feat, by simply, not appearing at any group outing in the future.

Yours lovingly,


Post Script Notice: I have every intention to do what I say. I needed something to change anyway, my situation was becoming tiresome on it’s own accord. Life is in chapters, and I am entitled to end and begin them as I please. With or without your consent.

Post, Post Script Notice: I miss you dearly. When I think about you, all this melodrama is pointless and childish. I am just awaiting your return in as fancy a way that one can.